By: Mtro. Ulises Zamora

"Couples don't usually get stuck because of a problem. They get stuck because of how they try to solve it."

In many couples, there are arguments that may start over a small current situation and end up recalling experiences from five years ago. Others begin because someone arrived late, and without knowing exactly how it happened, they end up questioning the entire relationship.

When the argument finally subsides, both have the feeling of having talked a lot, but not having understood each other enough.

If this has ever happened to you, you have probably thought the same thing as many people: "We always fight about the same thing." But perhaps this is not the most important question. Perhaps the question is another one: Do you really argue about the same thing, or do you always end up trapped in the same way of arguing?

For a long time, we have learned to think that couples' problems appear because two people have incompatible personalities, different needs, or opposite ways of seeing life. However, experience in Couples Therapy usually shows something different.

Often, the problem is not just the topic of the discussion. It is the pattern that the couple has gradually been building.

Let's imagine a common scene: one person insists that they need to feel heard. The other remains silent because they fear the conversation will end in a fight. While one interprets the silence as indifference, the other experiences the insistence as pressure. That is where something curious happens: the more one insists, the more the other withdraws. And the more the other withdraws, the louder the one who is pursuing tries to be heard. "Sometimes, the attempts we make to solve a problem end up maintaining or even aggravating the same problem" (Watzlawick, Weakland, & Fisch, 2012).

Neither seeks to damage the relationship; both are trying to protect it. It is just that, without realizing it, both feed the same circle. That is why many couples have the feeling of arguing about different issues when, in reality, they have been facing the same pattern for a long time.

This does not mean that conflict is desirable or that everything can be justified. There are ways of arguing that deeply deteriorate a relationship, especially when disqualification, intimidation, or any form of violence appears.

However, it is also worth questioning another widespread idea: believing that a good relationship is one where there are never disagreements. Differences will be inevitable, but what is valuable will be the way in which people seek to reconnect after them, assuming emotional responsibility for the other.

Perhaps a healthy relationship is not one where conflicts never appear, but one where both parties can feel safe, heard, and respected despite their differences (Gottman & Silver, 2012).

The next time an argument seems to repeat itself, before asking yourself who is right, it is worth pausing for a moment and asking yourself another question: What are both of us doing that makes this same discussion return again and again? Sometimes, changing the problem begins by changing the way we look at it.

References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.
Watzlawick, P., Weakland, J. H., & Fisch, R. (2012). Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution. Herder.