(No Really. Just Stop!) 

BY: DR. TRINA READ

"Studies find that between 53% and 85% of women say they faked an orgasm. They primarily fake during intercourse. Reasons given are to protect their partner's egos because they were bored or they wanted sex to end." Laura Mintz, author of Becoming Clitorate (https://www.drlauriemintz.com/books-about-sexuality)

When your partner asks, "Did you cum?" and you did NOT, are you able to tell them the truth? To respond with, "Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt your ego?"

Because most women aren't able to have that tricky conversation, the easy solution is to fake her pleasure. And she's not alone–millions (maybe billions) of women fake orgasms every single day.

Faking Her Pleasure Makes Perfect Sense

With the orgasm-as-the-goal, she-cums-first, sexual script that the majority of couples follow it sets women up for orgasm failure.

Many women aren't able to consistently orgasm on command with every sexual encounter. Instead, a woman's ability to have an orgasm is sporadic and depends on a lot of factors. 

She doesn't know from day to day where her body is at or if/ how it will gel with feeling desire and becoming progressively aroused enough to orgasm.

She isn't able to communicate with her partner where her body, arousal, and desire are on that particular day. If her body isn't going to orgasm, it becomes easier to pretend her pleasure. Unfortunately, faking once in a while can easily turn into a habit that turns into a trap.

You don't want that. Your partner certainly doesn't want you pretending to enjoy yourself.

If you currently fake orgasm sometime or a lot, it's time to climb out of this faking-it hellhole. Please stop teaching your partner what doesn't work for you while accumulating a lot of bad feelings about your sexual experience. You and your partner deserve so much more than resentfully waiting sex out, pretending to enjoy yourself, and being grateful when it's done. 

Are You A Spectator In Your Own Pleasure?

The technical term for faking orgasm is spectatoring.

Spectatoring is to watch yourself have sex. You evaluate the way your body looks and scrutinize your sexual performance as good or bad. You give your partner the impression you're enjoying yourself when, in fact, you're disengaged from the sexual experience.

Women spectator for many reasons. Yet–here's the important part–the longer you're a spectator, the more detached you become from your pleasure and body. If it goes on long enough, you can stop orgasming.

Sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman  (https://www.instagram.com/drlauraberman/?hl=en) gives four reasons why women fake orgasms.

Reason #1: She may offer a mercy fake when her partner is invested in getting her to orgasm, or sex won't end until she gets there.

Reason #2: She doesn't know how to orgasm. She hasn't learned what works for her, so orgasm is sporadic and random when her partner touches her in the right way. But she has no idea what she likes or how to ask for it.

Reason #3: She knows how to orgasm but is too self-conscious or inhibited to ask for what she wants.

Reason #4: She feels shame about not being able to orgasm and is scared her partner will reject her.

Did you see yourself for any of the four reasons? If so, is it possible to communicate this to your partner? When you bravely have that difficult conversation, you no longer let shame control your sexual experience. 

Otherwise, you need to re-learn how to feel your body's pleasure. To get you there, start with the following two-part exercise.

Faking Orgasm Exercise

There are two parts to this Faking Orgasm Exercise. The first part is becoming aware of your faking habits, and the second part is turning that habit into getting back into your body's arousal.

Part One

Think about when you're having sex, and you transition from participating to being a spectator. Now, narrate your behavior as if describing a character in a play.

 "Jane is lying in bed. She is not turned on but doesn't know how to tell her partner. The way her partner is stimulating her clitoris doesn't feel good. Instead of saying something, she pretends to enjoy it."

 Or, "Jane's partner is thrusting– and she is bored–but puts on an Academy award performance to get the sex over with quickly."

By doing this, you notice your faking patterns in real time. Often, seeing yourself from the outside can lead to an instant breakthrough.

Part Two

Rewrite this into something you want. For example, the next part of your story could be.

"Jane tells her partner how to stimulate her clitoris in a way that makes her feel good."

Or, "Jane tells her partner she needs clitoral stimulation, not just thrusting, to orgasm during intercourse."

Full disclosure: There will be awkwardness when you stop performing. Hold on to the belief that your future self deserves a robust desire. When you do something–anything–different to change your faking orgasm, you need to celebrate your achievement.

You will need all the self-encouragement you can get because stopping faking will be an awkward and bumpy ride. When you follow through, celebrate your breakthrough. Make sure to give yourself a lot of positive reinforcement as you reprogram your brain's responses. You are no longer faking is a freakin' big deal. 

Hang in there because, in the not-so-distant future, you will be back in your body, experiencing your much-deserved pleasure.